Yesterday would have been my sister's birthday.
It was an extraordinarily sad day for me, and felt like the end of a long mourning period.
I woke up this morning ready to get back to so many things that have languished while I journeyed into the Labyrinth of Healing. I am happy to report that by meeting myself in the middle, and truly asking the question "What NOW?", the journey was well worth it.
The answer I carried in my heart on the journey back out into the Light was:
"If it works, will it matter? Otherwise, say NO".
I am blessed and cursed in equal measure with the overabundance of opportunities these days. I used to choose based on where I felt I was NEEDED the most. We all know how that turned out. No regrets, certainly, as I learned SO much, but truly, it is time for a radical change in my life.
My children are grownups now (there, I said it, out LOUD) and are well and truly on their way to independence. Daughter bird has a JOB, oh Happy Day, and she really does not want me to be involved in that in any way...
Let me pause for a moment to let that sink in. She initiated the conversation in which we discussed her not being able to drive and how the transportation would be worked out for her to have reliable, on time support for that part of her job.
wow.
She also initiated the conversation in which she said "I don't want you to feel like I am pushing you away, but I am perfectly okay when you travel, and I think you should do it more often. I know how much you like it." and I felt so incredibly proud, and then immediately thought about how in the world the Invisible Social Support WOULD work if I traveled more....
sigh.
Clearly, I am the one who needs to get a grip on this.
She is going to be 30 this year.
I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that my oldest child is going to be 30. Most days I don't feel that mature, myself. Many days I do feel the effects of those 30 years, but I still don't feel OLD enough.
Growing up is hard to do, but I am learning....
Thank you for your patience while I reinstall a new operating system and sync all of my files. Lots of backups and deleting to do. My sister reminded me often in the time I spent with her near the end, that there isn't any value in those old 8-track tapes, regardless of the sentimentality associated with them. Trying to learn to take some deep breaths and let go of the things in my life that no longer work well.....
In exchange, I hope to let the fresh air in and appreciate the freedom, and the blessings!
Namaste.
xox
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