lifelong knitter

Recovering

The last few weeks have left me exhausted emotionally.

I picked up my Glasses yesterday, looked around and thought
Oh.My.God.
I can see December.
Where did the time GO?
Instead of plunging right in
and feeling the familiar *never gonna get it all done*...
I decided to try and figure out what really
Must Be Done.

I'm throwing out all of the articles about how to have a perfectly Organized
Holiday season and Letting IT go.

I am.

Instead of creating more anxiety for myself,
I am focused on
creating sanctuary.

Stillness.

Peace.

I see the absolute JOY in relinquishing
my Pursuit of Perfection,
relaxing into what IS....

I believe in the signs,
which have been apppearing
in Threes.

Thank you, more than you will ever know,
for showing up in my consciousness as
Recovering Perfectionists.

I want to be one, too.

Namaste.

Believe

The Boy bird was so excited about getting back to his nest he practically leapt out of the truck before I came to a full and complete stop in the driveway. He SKIPPED to the door, waving happily. Daughter bird remarked how lucky he was to live in such a great place. How autistic do you have to BE? Do you think I can live in a group home after college?

This speaks volumes about this nest of his. There are days when I wonder the same thing. Am I autistic enough to live in a place where everybody loves me and wants to help me make progress regardless of my obvious shortcomings? When I told the staff person this little story, she whispered...I drove back early from my Thanksgiving break to spend the day with him. He's much more fun to be with than my FAMILY.He makes me feel IMPORTANT. I hugged her. TIGHT.

Did all of the Daughter bird's laundry so she wouldn't have to worry about it back at the dorm.  She woke up early and eagerly packed her bags. We drove back down to the college and talked about the Big Paper that she was struggling with. Would I come back to the computer lab with her and help? Then could we see the Polar Express movie?

Of course.

I dropped her off at the dorm and went to check in at the hotel. She said she'd call me later in the afternoon when she was ready to go to the computer lab. *You can't really HELP me Mom, because this is COLLEGE, but you could, make a suggestion, you know, if you want*.

I sat in the hotel lobby and watched Pleasantville on the ginormous big screen tv. I've tried to watch that movie a number of times, but always, the interruptions, oy vey! I have to admit to a few tears during the *I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't paint* scene. Gad, so many movies, so much catching up to do!

I sat with her as she scrolled through her 10 page paper (!) and talked to herself, muttering *well, I certainly wouldn't want to make a sweeping generalization...I'd better change that wording...* she underlined, she italicized, she footnoted at the speed of Light.

I looked at her rough draft and the comments in the margins. I saw the First draft, changes made. I marveled. She is Very Resistant to making changes (or is it just ME...hee hee.) wow. I leafed through the last four weeks of work on this paper. Major changes, the paper is most certainly college level work.

I see where she is STUCK on the conclusion and make a suggestion. She pauses, and types it in. Rereads it and says (ever so diplomatically...) *um, Mom. That's what YOU think. I'm pretty sure my professor will know that's not My Voice*.

Yes, yes indeed, she probably will. I cringe, remembering the scorn I would have had to endure had I ever challenged My Mother's Perfect corrections...not my sweet child, though. She highlights, she deletes....She agonizes, scratching her chin and sighing. Quickly, she brightens and types a brilliant (short) conclusion. In Her Own Voice.

Small miracle. I'll take it.

We go to the local quick fish place and then to see the movie. I was dreading the big screen version of one of my all time faves (that van allsburg can ILLUSTRATE....) but it turns out to be Wonderful. Absolutely breathtaking. Most importantly, she LOVES it.

I drop her off at the dorm and she SKIPS....literally, all the way back to her room. I watch until she turns the corner and then I head back to the hotel and my knitting.

I always worried that my birds would be HAPPY...you know, that their lives would be rich with meaning and purpose, not just sitting in front of a television, watching game shows....

Those of you who have seen that SKIP in person, you know. Happier than most of us will ever be, they both far surpass my limited ability to hope and dream.

May your holidays be so richly blessed.....

Oh. AND.

I'll try to take a picture of the Carolina Blue Skies prayer shawl in the next couple of days. I'm stunned at the exquisite color changes in the handspun that Elizabeth so generously contributed to the project....it is such a privelege to be knitting these prayers....

namaste.

Stuffed

We watched the parade in our pajamas...(is there any other way?) and missed New York. We always play the *if I were in charge of the parade, I would....* game.

Daughter Bird thought Gary the snail should have his own float (because he is so CUTE) and that there certainly should be a Jigglypuff balloon. (Ann?) Boy bird says more DRUMS would be a very good thing. Sandy Poodle wanted to see more Beauty Queens doing the Wave. I personally would love to see the IG Nobel award winners have their own float....teehee. I'm still recovering from the Biology award announcement. Science Friday, now that should be a whole parade by itself! Ira Flato narrating....swoon.

We made enough food for a football team (and the marching band) and the traditional *2:30 in the afternoon we can't wait another minute to eat* Chocolate Chip cookies (which must be eaten IMMEDIATELY after they are removed from the cookie sheets....three kinds of pie (pecan, apple, pumpkin....no mincemeat this year!) sweet potato souffle, potatoes au gratin, THE Green Bean casserole (you know the ONE), crescent rolls, brown and serve rolls, STUFFING, turkey breast and honeybaked HAM....I'm sure I am forgetting something, but my brain is under the influence of tryptophan and so all I can really think about right now is a Long Winter's NAP.

On Friday we went to get our haircuts, nice and short for the boy bird, extra stylish for the Daughter and none for me, thanks. I'm still trying to figure out Rachael's comment, but hey, if even one person thinks my hair looks fantastic (really?) I'm not messing with it!

We went to the tree place to get our annual Live Tree...we decorate it with all manner of homemade art projects and then plant it outside after the New Year with Birdseed ornaments and popcorn strings for the birds and squirrels to enjoy. I just kvelled, watching the boy bird pull the wagon and Daughter picking off each and every pine needle off of all the trees before the Most Deserving Alberta Spruce was chosen. *You can go pay Mom, we'll take it to the truck!* They did indeed get it loaded into the truck, the wagon returned, without any sort of assistance whatsoever. I'm still allowed to drive them places, thank God.

Now we're doing laundry and packing up, to get the boids back to their nests....

They have checked all of the holiday must haves off of their lists, checked it twice, and are ready to get back to something more exciting than hanging out with Mom while I knit and keep trying to talk them into taking a picture for the Holiday cards...

Nothing doing.

sigh.

I'm feeling obsolete. My siblings are spread out all over the world, while I am dutifully cooking all of the Family recipes, keeping the traditions alive somehow...it seems like a shame to have a refrigerator filled with leftovers and nobody to tell the embarassing stories to (or about)....

My kiddos don't really eat any of the old family recipes....and I have to admit that this year at least, I made it through the whole meal without feeling at all homesick, or bursting into tears for my Daddy.

Time to crank up the Christmas music and clear out some of the family relics that I am holding onto for.....

what, exactly?

Relief

I met with her Academic Advisor, and I am SO relieved. Daughter is doing brilliantly academically, but of course is struggling with the group dynamics and the abstract thinking required to write papers at a college level.

Then there is the P word.

She wants to be PERFECT. Oh dear. I always feel *responsible* when someone brings that up...and they always do.  Have I been a bad example? Not been Perfect enough as a Mother? Teehee...you see where this is going....in a circle, as it always does.

The good news is that they wish more students would set their sights high and work diligently and never miss a class, but they worry that she doesn't know how to fully experience the college experience and have FUN. She seems to think she is having the appropriate amount of fun, and I am so glad that my biggest worry might be that she is working Too Hard at her Studying....

She wants to have her birthday party with her *friends* in her dorm commons room. I asked her who she wanted to invite (so I'd know how much PIZZA to order...) and she named almost a dozen students. Oh, she said, I'd better call one of them early so she can make plans. I thought maybe it was a busy social schedule. No, Mom, it takes her a little longer to do things because she is in a wheelchair. We are friends because I made room for her to sit with me at lunch in the cafeteria...

Did I mention that I love this child?

She is Such a BLESSING.

She is excited about watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in our jammies like we usually do, and making au gratin potatoes and pecan pie and the famous stuffing from my Grandmother...it has grape nuts cereal and pecans and oh YUM.....the recipe was lost eons ago, but my sister and I can make it blindfolded with one hand tied behind our back...we always call each other and say *how much onion do YOU put in?* It's a tradition.

I am giving Thanks for so much this year.....

Geeks in the Movies

Picture if you will, an empty movie theatre on a Monday night, save for two geeky girls, Mother and Daughter.

Daughter is reading Milton's Paradise Lost, waiting for the lights to go down and the previews to begin. Mother is fiddling with her palm zire, training the grafitti function to recognize her handwriting....

"Mom?"

"Uh, hunh..."

"It is amazing the descriptions Milton employed, considering he was blind when he wrote this, especially the Animals..."

"He was BLIND?"

"Yep."

"Wow."

The previews are played (oh, I absolutely cannot WAIT to see the CARS movie...) we watch The Incredibles in absolute awe. Eye CANDY!

After all of the credits have rolled, we are leaving the theatre and Daughter says.."Having Aspergers is kind of like being an undercover superhero in the movies, right?"

Gad, I love this child.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet with her advisor, she'll have her last lecture class, and then we'll pack up and hit the road, stopping halfway to catch the SpongeBob movie. Wednesday after work we'll pick up her brother and then we will be Giving Thanks.

Know that I will be counting you among my blessings, as ALWAYS.

Here's to you and yours this long holiday weekend,

mwah!

Which is better...

ONE...

or TWO?

The wee C exclaimed that she would take our picture, okay? Picture number one is what we look like to HER (clearly we need to slow down and stop laughing so hard....)
After a couple of tries, with collapsing laughter after, the very kind Daddy at the next table snapped picture number two.
I was so glad they stopped for a quick hug on their way home...
and now I will do the same, hug y'all QUICKLY and scoot on down the road to pick up Daughter bird at college! I am so excited about seeing her.
Hope your Monday has a moment of JOY,
mwah!

Cycles of Grief

When maggi called me on Monday, I realized that it was the anniversary of my own father's death. I felt so much lighter and clearer than at this same time last year, having shed much of the baggage I have been carrying in my *not good enough* compartment.
I simply asked her what would help her the MOST at that moment, cleared my calendar, packed chocolate and finger puppets and knitting (of course) and drove to meet her. Turned out that the thing I needed the most was just what she needed the most and so I had the great joy and pleasure of playing with the Wee C at the park, while she made phone calls and entertained guests.
There is absolutely nothing in this world to compare to the pure love of a three year old at the park in the crisp autumn air...sheer JOY.
I also got to wear the Panda hat which is one of the cutest objects in the Universe, eclipsed only by the small, lovingly knit koigu mittens which lasted approximately a nanosecond on the child's hands...they seemed to glow as I slipped them in my pocket....
We swang way high on the swings, threw big sticks off the bridge into the *river* and watched their progress in the muddy water, made sand cakes and drank some excellent *tea*...
Before I knew it, mama maggi was back, joining us on the swings.
It was a simple thing to do, really.
Not like I ran a MARATHON or anything....
Yes RACHAEL, I hugged her TIGHT, for you, of course.
Tomorrow is the funeral, so maggi and I will both be wearing real clothes in dark,solid colors and possibly even lipstick. (just in case you feel the Universe shift a little, wanted you to know WHY.)
He was a true GENTLE man, her Daddy.
I feel blessed to have known him this short while
and ever so grateful that his daughter IM'd me on my birthday and bravely said
*Let's MEET somewhere*.
YES.
If the Wee C, in all her wisdom, has scoped out the situation correctly,
our daddies are both in Kitty Heaven right now, petting the cats.
So May it BE.

Prayers

I'm off to the Emerald City to spend some time with maggi and the Wee C.
Please take a few moments to send her Love and Light and prayers....
Blessings to you and yours,
this day as always!

Tech(Mom) Support

Three tearfull phone calls from Daughter this past week....overloaded and overwhelmed, she pushed the Mom button on her cell phone and sobbed.
The absolutely AMAZING thing is, she is able to so clearly identify what the problem is and respond with the appropriate emotion. This has always been the biggest *never gonna happen* issue in the autistic spectrum...so I just sat down and LISTENED to her.
I let her go on (and ON) about the assignments that were due, quizzes coming up, the Big Research paper....and asked her if going to the Academic Skills Center might be helpful. Perhaps an appointment with her advisor was in order? Talking to her RA in the dorm?
*No, thanks Mom. I just needed to talk to YOU.
Thanks for the comfort.*
Oh, sweet child of mine, thank YOU...
more than you can ever know.

On Sunday, I called her, just to check in and make sure she was doing alright....
Cheerfully, she told me she was making a list of all the things she had to do in the next couple of weeks and ordering them by priority. *It really isn't such a LONG list after all Mom, it's so much better now that I've Written It Down!*

We're both looking forward to the Tuesday of Thanksgiving week, when I go to pick her up. Spongebob Squarepants, The Movie is on the Agenda.
Hope your Monday has a moment of sweetness....
mwah!

Cloistered

All day yesterday, I looked forward to Knitting Night. As I checked things off my list, (and then added three things to do for every ONE thing that got done) I thought, okay, but later I get to go sit and knit....
'twas not to be.
I generally listen to theclassicalstation.org in my Mommymobile these days, especially when I am stuck in traffic. After sitting for an awfully long time, I flipped over to the local news and traffic station to find out what the delay was.
Turns out that an accident four hours earlier, although cleared to the side of the road, was causing backups for MILES, in advance of all the Football traffic, and in the Other direction, another major pileup in the same place as the one two weeks ago....well, you get the picture. Nobody going nowhere in a hurry. sigh.
I was inching over to the next exit, to take one of my Long Ways Around, and forgot to switch from News back to Soothing music. The next story got lodged in my brain, and I just could NOT stop Thinking about it. I resolved to spend the evening in Prayer once I finally got free of the freeway.
Sometimes my brain gets hold of a *story* and simply will not give it up. I worry and gnaw and IMAGINE until I am either frantic or exhausted, or both.
Our Governor had to make a clemency decision last night. I am not familiar with the case, nor do I know why there was a frantic last minute effort to *save his life* as was being reported on the news. I just know that the IDEA of one person having to make this kind of irrevocable decision just sent my brain spinning.
All Politicality aside, I prayed for clarity and strength and Peace of Mind.
I hoped it helped, a little.

This afternoon I have a date with the boy bird for bookstore browsing and bagel buying.....I'm going to take him some warm winter woolies, as it has been FREEZING around here.

Hope your weekend is full of Wonder!